35mm expired color and black & white film; on coming home.
my mother the photographer
found two of my mom's old, undeveloped film rolls in a drawer and decided to have them developed and found this beautiful trip to krako. summer of 2000? 2001?
three cancers eat meat
the night in july when we celebrated veronicas, natashas and nicoles birthdays with a big barbecue in their backyard.
shot on hasselblad, in january last year, on the night that new york shut down everything becuase there was a massive "snowstorm" coming. the storm never really came to my block in crown heights, brooklyn though. everyone was told to stay inside.
memories of new york
35mm expired color film, from when my mom and my cousin came to visit in april. we went to coney island, to the top of rockefellar center and strolled around the lower west side. among a lot of things.
waiting for a train in the bronx
35mm expired fuji superia 800.
finding these made me think of all the small day trips we used to take when in new york. getting lost, and stuck up in the bronx was one of them. we were going to meet some friends at the bronx botanical gardens for some event. after getting lost to find the bus, getting the wrong bus and staying on for the entire lap we finally made it there, to realize it was twenty bucks just to enter. and we were broke and decided that we could spend that money on lunch instead. we waited for the train back to the city for over an hour. but we had fun. it was one of quatlify time trips. i miss you.
a night from my other life
bw film with minolta point and shoot.
that day at coney island with my bestie wife. minolta point & shoot with ilford hp5.
camping on the beach
35mm point and shoot with expired film.
on the first weekend of june me and sakshi went out of town. we camped on the beach in seaside heights and saw alabama shakes, the flaming lips, the maccabees, the vaccines and mumford and sons live.
30 things I've learned about myself
4th of july
minolta point and shoot with expired film.
i celebrated 4th of july with annie, her wife caitlin and all their friends. we had an amazing barbeque in their backyard with hotdogs, brisket, corn and fruit! this was what i thought living in new york would be like!
one day in late may, maybe early june, me and sakshi went to coney island and dipped our feet in the ocean. it was just one of those days.. a very needed break from art projects, finals and exhibition preparations. and now i really, really miss it.
like it was all in my head
I remember standing in a barn on an island in Sweden almost exactly a year ago. When the duo playing for the night sang "What if our hard work ends in despair, what if the road won't take me there.." Tears streamed down my face in relief. After having heard that song a hundred times in the past month worrying and thinking "What if I won't make it to New York and ICP? What then?" I had finally booked my flight! I was still worried though, that I wouldn't be good enough. That it would too hard. My mother flew with me. And the second I dropped her back at JFK I knew I'd be fine.hasselblad with tri-x.
It has been one of the roughest years in my life. I've never had so many sleepless nights, anxeity attacks or tension headaches. I don't know how many times I've hidden in the darkroom and cried my eyes out. I have fallen in love and I have had my heart broken. I have faced myself and all of my inner demons. And even though I've been at my most miserable many times in the past year I have still never been as happy and confident with myself. I have never before felt so free and unconditionally dedicated. I've had the oppotunity to put all of my focus into art and photograhy. I have grown so incredibly much! I have felt loved and cared for and I have been surrounded with sooo many beautiful and talented people that I have grown to love. And somewhere along the way I learned to love myself.
I sacrificed a lot of things too, though. Things like free time, parties, intimacy, health and sleep. But I did it for something I care even more about; my work. I produced a solid, honest body of work. I have made a book. I have collaborated. I learned to shoot film and to print in black & white and color darkrooms and made incredible progress in Photoshop. Photography really became a craft and a form of art for me. And I've never been more sure of what I want to do with my life.
Tomorrow I'm leaving. I have said goodbye to almost everyone. I still have my three hardest ones to go through. I'm not sure how I am going to be able to do it. The two weeks after deciding to go home has been so highly emotional. I've cried every time I've gotten on the subway because, when I enter my own little mental space. My meditation space. There's a scene from Ally McBeal where John tells Ally, "If you sit back and reflect on your year, if it doesn't bring you tears, out of either joy or sadness, consider the year wasted." I started it two weeks ago and I have went through a month at a time. This is why I cry on the subway. Like a little baby.
At first I felt like going home was a failure. That I worked so hard and now I'm not able to stay. Truth is, it's not a failure. It's an admission to that I am still young and that I still have amazing plans to follow through with, and to go home for a little while and rest and get healthy again and to work up enough money to be able to keep doing what I want to do. And I'm going to see my little brother!
To everyone who's been part of my year, thank you for putting up with my insanity, making sure I'm eating and sleeping and for simply just being there. I love you and I am going to miss you so much.
If you're not pictured here it doesn't mean that I don't love you any less. Either you left New York already or I just didn't get to photograph you. But special thanks to Annie, Angie, Julia, Sakshi, Rodrigo, Kirsten, Jasper, Marina, Jen and Jamaal, Tim and Per who really got me through this. And my parents and brother for the most amazing support imaginable.