camping on the beach

35mm point and shoot with expired film.
 
on the first weekend of june me and sakshi went out of town. we camped on the beach in seaside heights and saw alabama shakes, the flaming lips, the maccabees, the vaccines and mumford and sons live.
 

30 things I've learned about myself

 
 

4th of july

minolta point and shoot with expired film. 
 
i celebrated 4th of july with annie, her wife caitlin and all their friends. we had an amazing barbeque in their backyard with hotdogs, brisket, corn and fruit! this was what i thought living in new york would be like!

early summer

one day in late may, maybe early june, me and sakshi went to coney island and dipped our feet in the ocean. it was just one of those days.. a very needed break from art projects, finals and exhibition preparations. and now i really, really miss it. 
 

like it was all in my head

I remember standing in a barn on an island in Sweden almost exactly a year ago. When the duo playing for the night sang "What if our hard work ends in despair, what if the road won't take me there.." Tears streamed down my face in relief. After having heard that song a hundred times in the past month worrying and thinking "What if I won't make it to New York and ICP? What then?" I had finally booked my flight! I was still worried though, that I wouldn't be good enough. That it would too hard. My mother flew with me. And the second I dropped her back at JFK I knew I'd be fine. 
 
It has been one of the roughest years in my life. I've never had so many sleepless nights, anxeity attacks or tension headaches. I don't know how many times I've hidden in the darkroom and cried my eyes out. I have fallen in love and I have had my heart broken. I have faced myself and all of my inner demons. And even though I've been at my most miserable many times in the past year I have still never been as happy and confident with myself. I have never before felt so free and unconditionally dedicated. I've had the oppotunity to put all of my focus into art and photograhy. I have grown so incredibly much! I have felt loved and cared for and I have been surrounded with sooo many beautiful and talented people that I have grown to love. And somewhere along the way I learned to love myself.
 
I sacrificed a lot of things too, though. Things like free time, parties, intimacy, health and sleep. But I did it for something I care even more about; my work. I produced a solid, honest body of work. I have made a book. I have collaborated. I learned to shoot film and to print in black & white and color darkrooms and made incredible progress in Photoshop. Photography really became a craft and a form of art for me. And I've never been more sure of what I want to do with my life.
 
Tomorrow I'm leaving. I have said goodbye to almost everyone. I still have my three hardest ones to go through. I'm not sure how I am going to be able to do it. The two weeks after deciding to go home has been so highly emotional. I've cried every time I've gotten on the subway because, when I enter my own little mental space. My meditation space. There's a scene from Ally McBeal where John tells Ally, "If you sit back and reflect on your year, if it doesn't bring you tears, out of either joy or sadness, consider the year wasted." I started it two weeks ago and I have went through a month at a time. This is why I cry on the subway. Like a little baby.
 
At first I felt like going home was a failure. That I worked so hard and now I'm not able to stay. Truth is, it's not a failure. It's an admission to that I am still young and that I still have amazing plans to follow through with, and to go home for a little while and rest and get healthy again and to work up enough money to be able to keep doing what I want to do. And I'm going to see my little brother!
 
To everyone who's been part of my year, thank you for putting up with my insanity, making sure I'm eating and sleeping and for simply just being there. I love you and I am going to miss you so much.
 
hasselblad with tri-x.
 
If you're not pictured here it doesn't mean that I don't love you any less. Either you left New York already or I just didn't get to photograph you. But special thanks to Annie, Angie, Julia, Sakshi, Rodrigo, Kirsten, Jasper, Marina, Jen and Jamaal, Tim and Per who really got me through this. And my parents and brother for the most amazing support imaginable.
 

bonus brother

me and my very talented little bonus brother jasper saying goodbye. i can't even begin to tell you how special he is.
shot on hasselblad.
 

pic nic

one sunday afternoon a few weeks ago we just decided to skip working on our photography and had a pic nic in central park.
hasselblad. porta 400 and tri-x 400.
 

POINT AND SHOOT II

at the end of our seminar classes, the one class that we've all had together every tuesday afternoon for a year, we all went out and had a beer and danced together. even our lovely seminar leaderes joined in!
 

POINT AND SHOOT

 
 
parties with icp people shot on 35mm point and shoot camera. expired fuji film.
CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH ALL OF THESE PEOPLE MEAN TO ME.
 
 

an afternoon at coney island

 
 
 
 
 
 
spent this sunday afternoon by the ocean with my bestie sakshi, (who took images 4 and 6). well needed.
 

1997

 when my mother came to visit me in new york, almost two weeks ago, she brought me a bunch of old negatives from her archive. all color negatives, that i'm going to use for one of the projects that i'm working on. this is a black and white silver gelatin print (darkroom) of me and my mother in spain in 1997.
 

roadtrippy

the road to massachusetts with julia pontes and angie garcia from icp school.
 
 

blue star equiculture, massachusetts II

 pictures from our visit at blue star equiculture in palmer, massachusetts in march. shot on 35mm black and white film.
 

blue star equiculture, massachusetts

shot on 35mm fuji color film.
 
this weekend me and my two icp friends angie garcia and julia pontes went on a roadtrip to massachusetts to get out of this loud, fast city for a while. we went all the way to springfield, massachusetts! there we visited paul and pam rickenbach-moshimer at their horse farm, blue star equiculture, where they take care of retired work horses. pam and paul were so warm and welcoming and are doing an amazing job with all thirtytwo horses!
it was such an amazing trip and a well-deserved break from school stress and new york city!
 
 

jasper III

fellow icp student and AMAZING photographer, jasper briggs. shot on 35mm black and white film.
 



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